By Chantal, Psychodynamic Therapist
Understanding silence
Parents and carers often worry when a child becomes withdrawn, refuses to talk about their feelings, or seems overwhelmed by emotions they cannot explain. Silence can be confusing and even frightening for adults, especially when we sense that something is wrong but do not know how to help.
From a psychodynamic perspective, a child’s behaviour—including silence—can be understood as meaningful communication. Children may not yet have the words to describe their inner world, but their actions, emotions, and behaviours often express what they are experiencing internally.
Understanding what silence might mean and recognising signs that your child could benefit from therapy can help families access support early.
Why Some Children Don’t Talk About Their Feelings
Children and young people often struggle to put emotions into words. This can happen for many reasons:
- They may feel overwhelmed or confused by strong emotions such as anger, shame, or sadness.
- They may worry about getting into trouble or upsetting their parents.
- They may lack the developmental language skills to describe their inner experiences.
- They may have learned that difficult emotions are not safe to express.
In psychodynamic child therapy, behaviour is understood as an expression of underlying emotional
experiences. Some children communicate distress through behaviour rather than language because emotions feel too complex or threatening to speak about directly. Therapy can provide a safe space
where children can begin to explore these feelings through play, drawing, storytelling, and symbolic expression, which often precede verbal communication.
A Child’s Silence may be a Sign of Emotional Distress
Occasional quietness or reluctance to talk is developmentally normal. However, persistent silence or
emotional withdrawal may indicate that a child is struggling internally. Signs parents may notice include:
Sudden changes in behaviour
Children who are struggling emotionally may become unusually withdrawn, irritable, or angry.
Increased anxiety or sadness
Persistent worry, tearfulness, or low mood can indicate that a child is experiencing emotional distress.
Difficulties at school
This may include declining academic performance, school refusal, or social difficulties with peers.
Changes in sleep, appetite, or routines
Emotional distress in children can sometimes appear through physical symptoms such as sleep problems,
stomach aches, or loss of appetite.
Behaviour that feels “out of character”
For some children, distress is expressed through aggression, defiance, or risk taking behaviour. Children often experience emotional difficulties that they cannot clearly articulate. Psychotherapy can help them explore these feelings safely and develop healthier ways of expressing themselves.
What Happens When a Child Doesn’t Talk in Therapy?
It is common for children to be quiet during early therapy sessions. Building trust takes time. Research and clinical experience show that many children initially resist therapy because they feel embarrassed, anxious, or unsure about discussing difficult experiences. Once a positive therapeutic relationship develops, children often become more comfortable participating and expressing themselves.
Psychodynamic therapy recognises that silence itself can be meaningful. A child’s reluctance to speak may reflect:
○ Fear of being judged
○ Loyalty conflicts within the family
○ Difficulty trusting adults
○ Feelings that are too overwhelming to verbalise
Therapists work gently and at the child’s pace, often using play, creativity, and relational attunement to help children feel safe enough to express themselves.
Why Early Support Matters
Children rarely “grow out” of emotional distress without some form of support. When feelings remain
unspoken, they can sometimes emerge in other ways such as behavioural difficulties, anxiety, or challenges in relationships.
Early therapeutic support can help children:
- Understand and regulate their emotions
- Develop resilience and coping strategies
- Improve relationships with parents, siblings, and peers
- Build a stronger sense of self and emotional security
How Therapy Supports Children and Families
Psychodynamic child therapy focuses on understanding the child’s inner emotional world and the meaning behind behaviour.
Therapy may involve:
Play and creative expression
Talking with the child at their own pace
Supporting parents and caregivers
Exploring emotional patterns within family relationships
The aim is not simply to “fix behaviour” but to help children feel understood, emotionally safe, and better able to express themselves.
When to Consider Seeking Support
You may wish to seek professional support if:
Your child seems persistently withdrawn or unhappy
You notice ongoing behavioural or emotional changes
Your child struggles with relationships or school
Difficult experiences such as separation, loss, or trauma have occurred
Seeking support early can make a significant difference to a child’s emotional development and wellbeing.
References
Midgley, N., & Kennedy, E. (2011). Psychodynamic Psychotherapy for Children and Adolescents.
Fonagy, P., Target, M., Cottrell, D., Phillips, J., & Kurtz, Z. (2002). What Works for Whom? A Critical Review of Treatments for Children and Adolescents.
Target, M., & Fonagy, P. (1996). Playing with reality: Theory of mind and the normal development of psychic reality. International Journal of Psychoanalysis.
