By Morag Hannah, trainee counsellor specialising in integrative therapies.

Isn’t Counselling a Bit… Self‑Indulgent?

It’s a question people often think but rarely say out loud. And honestly? A counsellor might smile and reply, “I don’t know — is it?”

Because the idea of counselling as “self‑indulgent” usually comes from a deeper belief: that looking after ourselves should be quick, cheap, or squeezed into the margins of life.

But let’s explore that for a moment.

“I Already Have Ways to Cope…”

You might feel you don’t need counselling because:

• you talk to friends
• you go to the gym to burn off stress
• you take a holiday every summer to decompress
• you think things through in your own head

All of these are genuinely valuable. They help you get through life. But they don’t always help you understand why you feel the way you do.

Friends are wonderful, but their loyalty can soften the truth.  They want to protect you. They want you to feel better. They want to relate.  It’s connection, not clarity.

Exercise can release tension, but it doesn’t explain why the tension built up in the first place.  What if the stress you burn off at the gym keeps returning because the root cause hasn’t been explored?

A holiday gives you a break — but what happens when you return home and to the same patterns? Are you content wishing your life away waiting for that annual break rather than enjoying each day with all that it brings, inescapable challenges and joys to savour?

And our minds are brilliant at rationalising, minimising, pushing things aside. Sometimes too brilliant.  We can explain away stress, minimise hurt, and convince ourselves that “this is just how life is.”

When “Normal” Isn’t Actually Healthy

We all create our own version of normal. We adapt. We cope. We get on with things.

But what if your normal is quietly wearing you down? What if the stress you’ve accepted as “just life” is actually a sign that something needs attention? What if the thoughts you keep to yourself feel too embarrassing or confusing to say out loud and stay unspoken because of fear of judgement?

A counsellor offers something rare: a space where nothing you say is judged, dismissed, or brushed aside.  They offer something your own mind can’t: an outside perspective that gently challenges your reality when needed.  Not to criticise.  Not to shame.  But to help you see patterns you’ve been living with for so long that they’ve become invisible.

The Gift of Being Fully Heard

Think about the last time you spoke uninterrupted for more than a minute. No one jumping in with their own story. No one trying to fix you. No one saying, “I know exactly how you feel — that happened to me too.”

My friend and I tease each other about this all the time: “Oh, I have a story like that — but it’s more interesting because I’m in it!”

It’s human nature. We relate by sharing. But counselling is different. It’s one of the few places where the focus stays entirely on you.  No competing stories.  No need to perform.  No pressure to be “fine.”  Just space.

There are thoughts you might never say to a friend.  Feelings you might not want to burden someone with.  Questions about yourself that feel too tender to voice.  A counsellor is trained to hear these without flinching.  To listen without prejudice.  To hold your story without needing you to edit it.

Is It Really Indulgent to Understand Yourself?

We’re legally required to put our cars through a MOT every year. We’re encouraged to service them regularly — because machines need maintenance.

Yet somehow, we expect ourselves to run indefinitely without checking in.

Counselling isn’t indulgent. It’s maintenance for the mind, body and soul. It’s a chance to pause, reflect, and understand the patterns shaping your life with the hope of creating one with even more purpose and meaning.

Counsellors are trained to notice what you say, how you say it, and what sits between the lines. They work at your pace, helping you explore your experiences with curiosity.  And sometimes, that gentle exploration is the most responsible, grounded, and compassionate thing you can do for yourself.

Bibliography

1. Barlett, S. (2022) ‘Gabor Mate: The Childhood Lie That’s Ruining All Of Our Lives’, The Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett [Podcast]. Available at: Spotify Podcasts & Youtube. (Accessed: 7 November 2024).
2. Cozolino, L.J. (2016) Why therapy works: Using our minds to change our brains. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
3. Finlay, L. (2025) Relational counselling and psychotherapy. London: Sage.
4. Kolk, B.V.D. (2015) The Body Keeps The Score. London: Penguin Books Ltd.
5. Rogers, C.R. (1957) ‘The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change.’, Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), pp. 95–103.
6. Wallin, D.J. (2007) Attachment in Psychotherapy. New York: Guilford Press

by Laura Hendry

Understanding Our Body’s Reactions and Pathways to Healing

Polyvagal theory has become influential in the world of trauma therapy, giving counsellors new ways to understand and help people who have experienced trauma. Created by Dr Stephen Porges in the 1990s, this theory helps us see how our body’s automatic responses can shape our feelings of safety, our ability to connect with others, and our overall well-being. In this blog, we’ll look at how polyvagal theory is used in counselling, focusing on the fight, flight, and freeze responses, as well as new research on more complex patterns in our body’s reactions.

What is Polyvagal Theory?

At its heart, polyvagal theory says our body’s stress response is more complicated than just “fight-or-flight” or “rest-and-digest.” According to the theory, there are three main ways our body can react to danger or safety. One helps us feel calm and able to connect with others, another gets us ready to confront or run from trouble (fight or flight), and the last makes us shut down or freeze when things feel overwhelming. These responses developed over time to help us survive in different situations.

Fight, Flight, and Freeze: The Impact of Trauma

When someone goes through trauma, their body can become stuck in these survival modes. The “fight” response prepares us to stand up to danger. If that’s not possible, the “flight” response gets us ready to run away. If escape isn’t possible either, our body may “freeze” — we might feel numb or disconnected, like we’re shutting down. For people who’ve experienced trauma, these reactions can show up long after the original danger has passed, often without warning.

Counsellors are trained to spot these patterns in their clients. By using ideas from polyvagal theory, they help people feel safer and teach ways to calm their nervous system, such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or connecting with others in a safe setting.

More Than Just Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Recent studies show that our body’s reactions aren’t always so simple. Sometimes, people feel mixed reactions at the same time — like feeling numb and restless, or shut down but also on edge. These blended reactions are common for people with complex trauma or PTSD.

Understanding these mixed states helps counsellors offer better support. Instead of seeing people’s reactions as only one thing or another, therapists can recognise that feelings can overlap and change, and they can adjust their help to match what someone is really feeling in the moment.

Using Polyvagal Theory in Counselling

Integrative counselling uses different techniques based on each person’s needs. A polyvagal approach might include mindfulness, gentle movement, or body-focused therapies, all with the goal of helping people feel safe and more in control of their bodies and emotions.

Research shows just how important it is for therapists to help clients feel safe, both emotionally and physically. When people feel truly safe, they can begin to heal from trauma, reduce anxiety, and start to reconnect with others and themselves.

References

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, self-regulation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
• Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
• Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
• Schauer, M., & Elbert, T. (2010). Dissociation following traumatic stress: Etiology and treatment. Journal of Psychology, 218(2), 109–127.

As our knowledge grows, integrative counselling is leading the way in using polyvagal theory to help people move from just surviving to truly living—supporting recovery, connection, and hope.